it’s a bright tomorrow
i hope tomorrow would be a good day cos right now i really think i need therapy just to get some things out of my head.
Protected: the happy ending
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Protected: only at the precipice
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when hard candies break
Epiphany of the day: I actually have a short temper but I don’t like showing negative feelings.
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The everlasting pursuit of social perfection turns you into hard candy, a cascading sweetness in your mouth despite the teeth-breaking hardness of your exterior which is protecting the gush of an even sweeter core. Sweet when they meet you, hard as they seek to comprehend you, and finally they find an ever greater sweetness in you when they break through that solid exterior that hard candies build around themselves. That’s how you are: a complex swirl of sweetness and hard protection. You are a walking contradiction. You are the ambivalence of wanting to belong and wanting to be protected from the rest of the world. You are that lonely misunderstood soul lost in a daze, fluctuating between cloying happiness and incapacitating sadness. And you are also that which I love and treasure.
Take care of yourself, love; hard candies break.
when stars and diamonds collide
this is another post of emo-ness and pure theatrics unleashed. a side of me that most people don’t see much in real life. n.n
i saw you in my head, lying on a hospital bed. white sheets, but somehow you seemed paler. an IV tube running from a dextrose bag into your soft skin and into your flesh.
you were awake but your eyes gazed into the distance. you had nobody… only me. and yet i failed to be there for you… so consumed by pain and selfishness that i only saw what i needed and didn’t see that you needed me too (although for the different things that i need you for).
guilt. i held your hand and apologized for the past. i felt so lonely and i demanded you be with me. but i never realized that i was never there for you as the friend you needed
i squint. the mirage vanishes and i see you sitting in front of me. right there but not really there. you’re reading one of your books again.
fantasy, at times, merely reflects reality.
it was just a dream but it puts things in perspective… cos iL lose you soon… and the thought of it is enough to incapacitate me.
don’t leave. not yet.
i still need you.
indestructible
shock.
today was SYF. we fought with what we have and we felt we did great. no, we were great. we came to dance our hearts and to tell our story. and we did. some of the audience were weeping when our dance came to a halt… a frozen image of hope in the midst of imperfection and dysfunction. a smile playing on slumbering lips, holding the promise of happiness upon waking.
i thought it was a joke. i kept waiting for Raj to come through the door and tell us that we got what we deserved and admit that it was just one of his usual pranks. but he didn’t. it was like a really bad tv show with a really preposterous plot. it was just so unbelievable. everyone expected at least a Gold, which would’ve already been a disappointment. i never even considered this possibility of a Bronze. the stage manager even personally came to the side of the stage to tell the madams that our dance was beautiful.
‘beautiful’, ‘haunting’, ‘beautifully grotesque’,… an endless list of accolades. if we could touch the audience so much, how coulde we get a bronze?
pain.
then it sank in. Bronze. everytime i think about it i see this cold crude piece of unrefined ore, forgettable and discardable. hardly worth anything. dammit, we were so good… we connected with our audience and made them feel the sadness and the joy of living with flaws and overcoming these imperfections. we made them feel the pain of losing something that is inextricable from our lives. we made them cry…
i guess it’s the awareness that our dance had great sway over the hearts of the audience that made this so painful. if we felt that we underperformed, a bronze would’ve been fine. but we knew that we did great. we performed and our dance touched the hearts of many. my friend was telling me how he was crying after our dance and how a lot of the audience were sniffing and whimpering. it’s so painful when you feel like you got less than what you deserve.
acceptance.
but after a while, the disappointment fades. it doesn’t go away… but it fades. from an aching to a throbbing. one cannot change what is done. it is the opinion of eight people on our dance. if dance were merely an impressive sequence of intricate movements bearing absolutely no soul then i guess i would never wanna be a dancer. because the dance-ness of the dance is its meaning, not in its execution. execution is just the tool… the body; the meaning is its soul.
we got a bronze. fine.
epiphany.
but the further i contemplate and reflect, i realize that it doesn’t really matter that much. we are dancers. we are defined by our dance and not by the awards we get. if our dance could reach out to so many, then we have fulfilled our purpose. i would rather touch the hearts of my audience and walk away with a bronze than to execute a soulless sequence of extremely technical gestures and get a gold with honours. i would rather get a bronze than leave a trail of yawning spectators at my wake.
because i am a dancer. this is what i do. i try to touch people’s hearts by painting a story…. by sending a message…
i am disappointed with the results, yes. but i am happy with the dance. because this dance is so powerful in its ability to stir the audience.
our dance was real.
and so i end, about to sleep… a smile playing at my lips… the lights go off and i drift to where dreams and hope collide… because i know that when i wake up tomorrow everything i love would still be there.
i am a dancer. always and forevermore.
my soul is indestructible.
a book where men may read strange matters
warning: extremely emo and revealing stuff ahead. readers beware. proceed with caution.
007: you seem very emo today…
4l0n: in dance or like —-
007: no. not in dance…
4l0n: huh…
i thought i was a great actor… the unreadable… or rather the reluctant boy who doesn’t like to drama in public but ironically pens his thoughts for all the world to read.
i believe that there is great strength in being able to exist alone…. in the sense that you don’t really have anyone who knows you completely… who understands who you truly are… and one with whom you could share everything with. one who could read through your facade. there is a certain loneliness there and the ability to be aware and to withstand such feeling is great strength. ability to be aware because every one of us, in at least one sense, is alone. we never expose ourselves to the world; there’s always a part of us that we wanna keep to ourselves. some people successfully run away from the loneliness and fool themselves into believing that they’re not alone. but such reckless abandonment of one’s own feelings and weakness is incapacitating…
and yet it is comforting to encounter someone, once in a while in your life, who can actually see through you. i think Friends are very rare and very important… there are very few real Friends around… people who truly care and truly appreciate you for who you are and not just for what you seem…
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4l0n: i don’t wanna get married. i just wanna have a live-in partner and have kids.
007: haaaah… but it’s very sad eh. the girl would see it like you don’t wanna marry her.
4l0n: i just wanna let her know that i love her and that i would stay for her because i choose to be with her with all my heart and not because i am bound and forced to do so by vows spoken in the past. the fact that i choose to stay is more precious that way because of the fact that i actually have the choice to leave and yet i choose to stand by my lover’s side.
what can i say? i’m a romantic. friendship and romantic love are what make up the core of my universe. and i guess i’m really naive. i wanna feel that special feeling when you could give everything to this person. all your heart. all your soul. all of you. simply because you want to lay down all that you are to this person. complete irrationality. i won’t settle for anything less than someone who would accept me for everything that i am. one who would love me despite my limits and dysfunction. one who would forever choose to be with me out of free will and not out of silver chains. i’m chasing a fairy tale.
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almost lover: it’s not always about you.
4l0n: it was never about me; it has always been about you. everything i do, i do because of you. i ——-
almost lover: i know. but i don’t.
4l0n: yeah. i know.
almost lover: i’m sorry.
4l0n: no you’re not.
almost lover: —-
4lon: i don’t regret loving you.
almost lover: and i don’t regret having you too.
***
self-destruction. my greatest weakness. i can’t let go of my almost lover even when she pushes me away. she’s not evil; she’s the greatest person i’ve ever met. the only problem is she can’t love me. not because i’m not good enough. but simply because our lives could never collide. even though i’m the only true Friend she has in this world. the only one who truly knows her…
it’s just not meant to be. and i just can’t accept that. we tried. but we failed.
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4l0n: it’s here. right under your pillow.
almost lover: oh. hmmm…
4l0n: see? you NEED me. you can’t even find your own phone.
almost lover: i’m just messy…
4l0n: that would be a problem when we get married… it’s so weird… my wife would be messier than me…
almost lover: haha. i wouldn’t hold my breath if i were you.
4l0n: i rather would. (smiles)
and i love. just cause. regardless… love isn’t self-seeking. to love in itself is a great blessing… even when it’s unrequited. to feel this way is so bittersweet but i rather have something to chew on than nothing. n.n
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almost lover: hey emo kid. whatcha thinking ’bout? me? (smiles. a hand on my shoulder)
4l0n: no. someone else. you’re not jealous are you?
almost lover: no. i’m happy for you. so who’s the unfortunate soul?
4l0n: polaris.
almost lover: —–
4l0n: that’s why i’m thinking…
almost lover: if you could fall in love again, why must it be polaris?
4l0n: polaris was there when you weren’t… actually makes me happy, you know…
almost lover: for now…
and yes. i did start feeling again for someone. well, sort of. almost lover will always be there in one of the chambers of my heart… that kind of feeling never really leaves. but polaris makes me feel the same way. and at one point even greater. until the day when i couldn’t find the polaris i loved anymore. suddenly, everything changed. that was the most painful one.
‘cos the greatest loss is losing something you never had.
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4l0n: but life is still worth living for. loss and pain are inextricable but not invincible. love with all your heart. and live with all your soul. trust people. smile. make friends. there’s so much waiting for you out there… and maybe some day we’ll find each other again and you’ll realize what an idiot you are for leaving me.
(a smile. a hug. parting)
lysis
it’s very disheartening to see someone deliberately trying to hurt your feelings when you would never intentionally do or say anything that would hurt that person. especially when the person doesn’t even bother to look at himself and see if such a reaction is justified.
shouldn’t the motivation be judged instead of the action?
it makes you wonder whether all the effort in trying to be so accommodating and understanding is worth it.
a few words can wield so much power.
like a small knife that wounds and cleaves.
