Protected: the happy ending
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when hard candies break
Epiphany of the day: I actually have a short temper but I don’t like showing negative feelings.
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The everlasting pursuit of social perfection turns you into hard candy, a cascading sweetness in your mouth despite the teeth-breaking hardness of your exterior which is protecting the gush of an even sweeter core. Sweet when they meet you, hard as they seek to comprehend you, and finally they find an ever greater sweetness in you when they break through that solid exterior that hard candies build around themselves. That’s how you are: a complex swirl of sweetness and hard protection. You are a walking contradiction. You are the ambivalence of wanting to belong and wanting to be protected from the rest of the world. You are that lonely misunderstood soul lost in a daze, fluctuating between cloying happiness and incapacitating sadness. And you are also that which I love and treasure.
Take care of yourself, love; hard candies break.
when stars and diamonds collide
this is another post of emo-ness and pure theatrics unleashed. a side of me that most people don’t see much in real life. n.n
i saw you in my head, lying on a hospital bed. white sheets, but somehow you seemed paler. an IV tube running from a dextrose bag into your soft skin and into your flesh.
you were awake but your eyes gazed into the distance. you had nobody… only me. and yet i failed to be there for you… so consumed by pain and selfishness that i only saw what i needed and didn’t see that you needed me too (although for the different things that i need you for).
guilt. i held your hand and apologized for the past. i felt so lonely and i demanded you be with me. but i never realized that i was never there for you as the friend you needed
i squint. the mirage vanishes and i see you sitting in front of me. right there but not really there. you’re reading one of your books again.
fantasy, at times, merely reflects reality.
it was just a dream but it puts things in perspective… cos iL lose you soon… and the thought of it is enough to incapacitate me.
don’t leave. not yet.
i still need you.
a book where men may read strange matters
warning: extremely emo and revealing stuff ahead. readers beware. proceed with caution.
007: you seem very emo today…
4l0n: in dance or like —-
007: no. not in dance…
4l0n: huh…
i thought i was a great actor… the unreadable… or rather the reluctant boy who doesn’t like to drama in public but ironically pens his thoughts for all the world to read.
i believe that there is great strength in being able to exist alone…. in the sense that you don’t really have anyone who knows you completely… who understands who you truly are… and one with whom you could share everything with. one who could read through your facade. there is a certain loneliness there and the ability to be aware and to withstand such feeling is great strength. ability to be aware because every one of us, in at least one sense, is alone. we never expose ourselves to the world; there’s always a part of us that we wanna keep to ourselves. some people successfully run away from the loneliness and fool themselves into believing that they’re not alone. but such reckless abandonment of one’s own feelings and weakness is incapacitating…
and yet it is comforting to encounter someone, once in a while in your life, who can actually see through you. i think Friends are very rare and very important… there are very few real Friends around… people who truly care and truly appreciate you for who you are and not just for what you seem…
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4l0n: i don’t wanna get married. i just wanna have a live-in partner and have kids.
007: haaaah… but it’s very sad eh. the girl would see it like you don’t wanna marry her.
4l0n: i just wanna let her know that i love her and that i would stay for her because i choose to be with her with all my heart and not because i am bound and forced to do so by vows spoken in the past. the fact that i choose to stay is more precious that way because of the fact that i actually have the choice to leave and yet i choose to stand by my lover’s side.
what can i say? i’m a romantic. friendship and romantic love are what make up the core of my universe. and i guess i’m really naive. i wanna feel that special feeling when you could give everything to this person. all your heart. all your soul. all of you. simply because you want to lay down all that you are to this person. complete irrationality. i won’t settle for anything less than someone who would accept me for everything that i am. one who would love me despite my limits and dysfunction. one who would forever choose to be with me out of free will and not out of silver chains. i’m chasing a fairy tale.
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almost lover: it’s not always about you.
4l0n: it was never about me; it has always been about you. everything i do, i do because of you. i ——-
almost lover: i know. but i don’t.
4l0n: yeah. i know.
almost lover: i’m sorry.
4l0n: no you’re not.
almost lover: —-
4lon: i don’t regret loving you.
almost lover: and i don’t regret having you too.
***
self-destruction. my greatest weakness. i can’t let go of my almost lover even when she pushes me away. she’s not evil; she’s the greatest person i’ve ever met. the only problem is she can’t love me. not because i’m not good enough. but simply because our lives could never collide. even though i’m the only true Friend she has in this world. the only one who truly knows her…
it’s just not meant to be. and i just can’t accept that. we tried. but we failed.
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4l0n: it’s here. right under your pillow.
almost lover: oh. hmmm…
4l0n: see? you NEED me. you can’t even find your own phone.
almost lover: i’m just messy…
4l0n: that would be a problem when we get married… it’s so weird… my wife would be messier than me…
almost lover: haha. i wouldn’t hold my breath if i were you.
4l0n: i rather would. (smiles)
and i love. just cause. regardless… love isn’t self-seeking. to love in itself is a great blessing… even when it’s unrequited. to feel this way is so bittersweet but i rather have something to chew on than nothing. n.n
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almost lover: hey emo kid. whatcha thinking ’bout? me? (smiles. a hand on my shoulder)
4l0n: no. someone else. you’re not jealous are you?
almost lover: no. i’m happy for you. so who’s the unfortunate soul?
4l0n: polaris.
almost lover: —–
4l0n: that’s why i’m thinking…
almost lover: if you could fall in love again, why must it be polaris?
4l0n: polaris was there when you weren’t… actually makes me happy, you know…
almost lover: for now…
and yes. i did start feeling again for someone. well, sort of. almost lover will always be there in one of the chambers of my heart… that kind of feeling never really leaves. but polaris makes me feel the same way. and at one point even greater. until the day when i couldn’t find the polaris i loved anymore. suddenly, everything changed. that was the most painful one.
‘cos the greatest loss is losing something you never had.
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4l0n: but life is still worth living for. loss and pain are inextricable but not invincible. love with all your heart. and live with all your soul. trust people. smile. make friends. there’s so much waiting for you out there… and maybe some day we’ll find each other again and you’ll realize what an idiot you are for leaving me.
(a smile. a hug. parting)
that black cocktail dress
there is this point, called the Archimedean point, and this is the immovable point of the universe. with a lever long enough, the universe can be moved about this point. the Archimedean point is the metaphoric center of the universe.
‘hiraya’ is a word from some obscure extinct tribe in Asia (my dad told me the tribe’s name 12 years ago but we have both forgotten it now) and it also happens to be my sister’s name (her nickname is Aya).
the last time i saw my sister was on December last year. i used to think of her as cute and quite pretty but not beautiful. i guess one year can make a big difference.
today (18 Dec ’09), my mom left her ATM card behind. my sister found it and whispered, “oh my gosh… unlimited power…”. off to the mall after that, where we spent 10 minutes looking for and buying a gift for her classmate, and four hours finding (both our job)and trying on (exclusively hers) dresses for her Christmas party tomorrow…
the dresses she chose were… well… cute, childish, and, truth be told, boring… the dresses i asked her to try were, in her opinion… sexy (i swear they’re not! goodness! she’s only 12!), mature, and scary… well, when i agreed to help her choose the perfect Christmas Party dress, i meant business…
and then suddenly, i saw my sister in a new light… seeing her in the more serious dresses, i suddenly realized, “oh my gosh… my little sister is now a woman…”
my baby sister, now with extra body parts which were non-existent a year ago, stood in front of a full length mirror clad in a lacey, slightly sexy, black cocktail dress and gazed at her reflection with unfocused eyes… who was inside the mirror? a frozen image. a hazel-eyed mestiza with a flawless face partially concealed by a frame of thick, shiny, jet black hair cascading over her right cheek. her full lips were slightly agape, fingers on her right hand froze on her decolletage while her left forefinger teased at her left shoulder, and her eyes turned a bit watery, drawing my attention to her long eyelashes.
a whip of black hair; she faced me and muttered, ” i’m going to a Christmas Party, you know… not the prom…”
I swear I heard disappointment in her voice.
oh my goodness, how could this atrocity happen? So now, my cute, cuddly, quite pretty baby sister has evolved into a poised, beautiful, and (admittedly) sexy woman… wow… where was I? I cant believe I missed all that…
suddenly, it dawned on me…
small chinky eyes are now big and astonishingly brown (i never realized the color until now…)
round chubby cheeks are now flat, high cheekbones…
dry and chapped thin lips, are now full pink lips…
and where did that collar bone come from??
the parallel lines are now an hourglass too…
she even has a butt…
more than that, the soft-spoken cute girl is now a witty, well-articulated, (and occasionally bitchy) lady…
And she’s only 12.
“You’re 12. Imagine when you hit 18; you’ll be like your mother (we use this as an endearing term when we tease our Mom).”
of all my family members, i love my sister the most. we only have each other, anyway… i am very different from my mom and dad (and they too are very different from each other)… but my sister is like me in so many ways… we both have high expectations in everything… we wont settle for anything less than stellar… and we would fight for ourselves if others are being unreasonable (‘others’ usually refer to our parents… n.n)
she fervently emails me whenever iM overseas and tells me everything that happens at home (even the ones that my Mom asked her not to tell me)… she needs me too… when my Mom got a new boyfriend, she told her she would meet him only when iM back… digressing: i honestly think my sister’s putting too much drama into the whole affair but that’s another issue…
she always asks me whenever she needs anything, instead of going to our parents… the separation between my parents mustve established me as the immovable point in her universe… she knows iL never leave her…
and with the complicated set-up of my family, we both only have each other to grieve with whenever we find ourselves holding back our shine because of the limitations our family has enforced on us…
we understand each other because we’re one and the same. only, i have already trodden the path and have shown her the routes she shouldn’t take…
i feel wistful, thinking of my baby sister…
how surreal it all felt when this fat noisy thing covered in a cloth entered our house and looked at me with curious eyes 12 years ago…
how important and needed i felt when she was a toddler or a small kid, always asking me for help, always asking me to carry her around and always asking me to buy her stuff…
and how superfluous i felt this afternoon looking at a full-grown swan ready to fly away and leave me behind in a cloud of white feathers, reminiscent of the days when she was but a fledgling and i was her older brother… her Kuya…
but i look at her with immense joy… my swan flying away, ready to discover the world and find her place in the midst of the chaos… and while i am still on the ground, grieving over my withered wings, i know that someday, i too will fly… to the skies and beyond… into the conundrum… to find my baby sister again…
because in the craziness of it all, we truly only have each other.
i love you, Aya… n.n
HIRAYA: the greatest… most unfathomable… most unreachable dream from the depths of the human heart
